I'm in a letter writing mood.
And, there are many inanimate objects that I must either thank, or insult, or both.
1. Dear Phone,
Why have you not come back to me? Having no extremities, joints, bone, or muscle is no excuse. I cannot find you, and you must come back. Or else I will replace you. Yes, that was a threat. Aren't I a great father? I'll tell you what son, er, inanimate object, I will continue trying to find you if you promise to stay in one place. I swear you keep moving around. You might even be able to turn invisible. If I don't find you soon, I might end up needing to use the metal detector on you.
Don't make me do it, boy! Er, inanimate object! I will turn this unlimited texting plan around and we will go right back home. Do you hear? Sometimes I think you never listen. Luckily, you do let me listen to others and you let them speak to me. Unfortunately, you are still frozen outside somewhere in my yard, so you are safe from my wrath. Until I find a metal detector! Do not "mom" me! I am your father.
Go to your charger!
Your Fath.... ahem, Your owner
2. Dear Pookie,
You are the best teddy bear a guy could ever hope of owning. Your fur is luscious and soft, your eyes shine like stars in the sky, and it helps enormously that you are half the size of a baby hippo.
I really enjoyed sitting, talking, and even wrestling with you yesterday! It made my day. I truly hope to see you again, and maybe next time I can learn you true identity. I have my guesses. Such as crime-fighting superhero, life-saving jedi master, heartwarming therapist, or a secretive daycare owner.
I want to be just like you! Except for the button you have sown on your rear. That looks painful.
Well, best wishes,
your secret admirer.
I will post another couple letters tomorrow. . .